Does contain a reference to weaponry. Not Air Arms, however an acceptable .5 Cal!
Nativity Play –Brought Up To Date
This is the event dreaded by all generations; the end of term religious presentation, by 5-year olds, of the Christmas Story. Parents and Grandparents would rather be cosying-up to a “large-one” than turning-out in the cold to a play more embarrassing than being related to Ed Miliband. Kiddy-winks would rather be playing X-Box or making Thermo-Nuclear Devices in the Chemistry Lab. Teachers? Well they’d rather be studying “Situations Vacant”. Instead, all are forced into close-combat with tongue-tied offspring wearing Tesco turkey cooking foil and felt antlers. Cameras to record the proceedings to send to “You’ve Been Framed”, for 200 quid, are banned under Child Protection and Anti-Terror Laws.
Went to the school’s nativity play,
All the kiddies dressed-up, cheeky and gay,
Together in the stable chickens, donkey and sheep,
Even a “Desert Storm” camo Jeep,
I expected a serene view of Heaven,
But Wayne was sporting an AK-47,
Teachers can’t spell – they labelled the “Manger”,
“The Minger” to which the audience was no stranger,
Brooklyn was asked to sing a song,
Nervous, tongue-tied, she got the words wrong,
Its’ a “crib”, not a “cr*p”, for a bed,
Yep, that’s the word she said,
While parents struggled up from the floor,
Brooklyn was booted out the door,
Mother Mary was in a fight with a fairy,
The 3-Wise men were becoming leary,
They’d ridden their camels from afar,
One said: “I wish we’d boosted a car”.
Chelsea’s mum was high and minus a shoe,
Fag in one hand, the other held Special Brew,
Belly flab hanging over her legging,
“Ger on wiv it” she shouted “We gotta go beggin’”,
Little Johnny was playing the Son of Man,
Under his blanket was a syringe and lager in a can,
“Can’t stand this sh*t”, he hissed,
“I only turned-up to get pissed”.
The Roman soldier fancied a wee,
So lifting his robe he watered a tree,
The Head said: “Don’t do that”,
Being so stoned he tripped on a mat,
Laying there in a drug-induced glow,
The pianist hit the keys – “On with the Show”,
Half the choir sang one hymn, half another,
Until the rebel leader received a kick in the b*lls from his mother,
The Wise-men’s gifts myrrh, frankincense and gold in a tin,
Came from a jeweller’s they’d burgled on the way in,
Fred came dressed as a 60’s Ted,
Always late, he’d just fallen outta bed,
He’d got to the Hall pretty nifty,
A 9-year old astride a stolen Beesa six-fifty,
It all kicked-off; fists flew,
In went 6-year old Amy, armed with her stiletto shoe,
Backed up by Emma holding a chair,
From year two a mortar shell flew thro’ the air,
A wall fell.....smashed by a Hummer V,
Manned by a crew from year three,
A burst from a fifty-cal shredded the set,
Who would have thought that Becky was a Viet Nam vet?
All in all the best play I’ve ever seen,
Brought to a halt by the SAS and SO-19,
Oh, such fun.......never fear,
I can hardly wait for next year!
Ronald "Rappa" Blue
